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andrena



She was my first adult love....

But, by the time I’d discovered this, it was already far too late for me...and,  I have no-one to blame but myself....

We met - when I was already deeply scarred (and so, even here, I’m attempting to excuse myself) - in my first year at university. The lady wasn’t - conventionally - beautiful (and, again...please note my defensiveness), albeit very attractive. Yet, she had that blithe spirit always seeming to rise above her surroundings...but, still I - stupidly - failed to appreciate this....

A mutual friend informed me that she had an interest in me... and  I - ye gods! - replied that I didn’t find her sexy.

Probably the most stupid thing I’ve ever said....

Within a year...I was already deeply regretting same.

Within three, we were living together in a share house - playing Black Moria constantly - but, by this stage, I was so badly tongue-tied I couldn’t even visit her room...

She got a boyfriend - and then another...I fell apart/regrouped...and then - once mania set in - made my play....

But she - understandably - would have no truck w/such a raddled creature...and I have no doubt that she made the right decision...to judge by what confronted her as this point.

Andrena, you were the first girl that I really loved - once I’d truly begun to know myself - just for yourself.... And, now - all too late - I also love the old films that you treasured for their sentiment, that I had yet to abandon myself to, in those callow & supposedly rebellious days of my youth....

Still, clocks may turn back, but human time cannot. And yet, there was some melting point we missed...and, so, whatever our mistimed greetings - I somehow wish, still, that we could meet again...


John Henry Calvinist