Camera on: v.brief burst of disorienting
tech glitches...as if the camera operator had problems
w/working it for the first time, then - suddenly - is
fixed upon a (badly made-up) arab face...in
A1: Is working?...Good!
He walks back to where another arab is
standing, and takes position on the other side of a
kneeling & blindfolded hostage. Both
arabs hold toy machineguns, and have used
makeup to darken their faces...but, sadly, not their
They wear dodgy fake arab costumes, villainous sunglasses,
and the teatowel aspect to their headdresses
is (exactly) that. Both smoke v.large cigars, and spit
frequently...invariably to their left.
A1: Explain, infidel dog, why you are here...
H: [unscripted burst of leftist gibberish/interrupted]
A1: Shut up! (pause, in which other arab
spits) That does not matter. Know this...the infidel
dog will die if the people of...fungoola! What was that
A1: If the people of Orstraylia do not give us many,
A2: And women...maany, many women!
A1: (spits) But...we are good sons of Allah...
A2: So? They will be supplied with full body coverings.
A1: (pauses) Is good. Money and womens...or this son
of a camel will die...
A2: (spits) And cadillacs.
A1: Fool...we will buy cadillacs with money.
H: [another unscripted burst of leftist gibberish]
A1: Shut up.
A2: (having looked at his watches - he has two - during
the blather) bursts out in cod-Arabic...
A1: You! (points to the hostage, oblivious
to the fact that the latter is blindfolded) You weel
now pray to Allah, that we will spare your worthless
life...as this is the hour appointed for prayer...
A2: And, we will continue to guard you.
A1: Duty is stern...but, in the face of the infinite
cunning of you infidel imperialists, we must not fail...
H: [further leftist gibberish]
A1: Shut up! Now, pray... (shoves the face of the hostage
onto the floor...and, then watches relentlessly, as
H: desperately tries to obey, but knows nothing of
Islam, so...merely pleads with Allah to grant him mercy.
A1&2: look on grimly, but soon begin to be approving....
A1: Enough! Allah does not want to hear too much from
you infidel dogs.
H: [even more leftist gibberish]
A1: Shut up. May your donkey explode, oh long-winded
H: (struggles to his feet and - even though his handsre
tied - manages to push the blindfold off...his face
is reddened/puffy & he has a magnificent black eye)
This is stupid...look, how many times have I tried to
tell you that I WANTED to be taken hostage...
A2: Such cunning...
A1: You speak sooth, my brother (in very oily tones).
H: Look - shoot me if you like but, the cameras
on - and Im going to have MY say...NOW! (speech
follows...comedy angle is maintained by the mugging
of A1&2, who - eventually - end up leaning back
against the wall, smoking & spitting expressively,
and maintaining eye-contact w/each other, whilst conducting
a running dialogue of expressive gestures/expressions
etc... the hostage - eventually - runs out
of puff, and is interrupted).
A2: This is not important.
A1: No! What is important is that we will kill you
if your people do not give us money.
A2: Much money.
A2: And women...many, many women...
H: [penultimate outburst of leftist gibberish]
A&D: SHUT UP!
A1: This is too much, offspring of diseased parents.
We would kill you - now - if there was not the chance
of much money...
A2: And women.
A1: I heard you, my brother (again...in v.oily tones).
H: [final leftisms...cut off v.quickly]
A1: Enough! Your people will pay - and deliver womens
- or this dog will die!
I have spoken!
Camera holds for long enough to establish the fact that
no-one has a clue what to do now...suddenly, it veers
wildly to to left & the image is replaced by glitches
as in the intro...
John Henry Calvinist