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...ransom script ...

Camera on: v.brief burst of disorienting tech if the camera operator had problems w/working it for the first time, then - suddenly - is fixed upon a (badly made-up) “arab” grotesque closeup.

A1: Is working?...Good!

He walks back to where another “arab” is standing, and takes position on the other side of a kneeling & blindfolded “hostage”. Both “arabs” hold toy machineguns, and have used makeup to darken their faces...but, sadly, not their hands.

They wear dodgy fake arab costumes, villainous sunglasses, and the “teatowel” aspect to their headdresses is (exactly) that. Both smoke v.large cigars, and spit frequently...invariably to their left.

A1: Explain, infidel dog, why you are here...

H: [unscripted burst of leftist gibberish/interrupted]

A1: Shut up! (pause, in which other “arab” spits) That does not matter. Know this...the infidel dog will die if the people of...fungoola! What was that country again?

A2: Orstraylia.

A1: If the people of Orstraylia do not give us many, maany, dollars...

A2: And women...maany, many women!

A1: (spits) But...we are good sons of Allah...

A2: So? They will be supplied with full body coverings.

A1: (pauses) Is good. Money and womens...or this son of a camel will die...

A2: (spits) And cadillacs.

A1: Fool...we will buy cadillacs with money.

H: [another unscripted burst of leftist gibberish]

A1: Shut up.

A2: (having looked at his watches - he has two - during the blather) bursts out in cod-Arabic...

A1: You! (points to the “hostage”, oblivious to the fact that the latter is blindfolded) You weel now pray to Allah, that we will spare your worthless this is the hour appointed for prayer...

A2: And, we will continue to guard you.

A1: Duty is stern...but, in the face of the infinite cunning of you infidel imperialists, we must not fail...

H: [further leftist gibberish]

A1: Shut up! Now, pray... (shoves the face of the “hostage” onto the floor...and, then watches relentlessly, as does A2)

H: desperately tries to obey, but knows nothing of Islam, so...merely pleads with Allah to grant him mercy.

A1&2: look on grimly, but soon begin to be approving....

A1: Enough! Allah does not want to hear too much from you infidel dogs.

A2: (spits)

H: [even more leftist gibberish]

A1: Shut up. May your donkey explode, oh long-winded one...

H: (struggles to his feet and - even though his hands’re tied - manages to push the blindfold off...his face is reddened/puffy & he has a magnificent black eye) This is stupid...look, how many times have I tried to tell you that I WANTED to be taken hostage...

A2: Such cunning...

A1: You speak sooth, my brother (in very oily tones).

H: Look - shoot me if you like but, the camera’s on - and I’m going to have MY say...NOW! (speech follows...comedy angle is maintained by the mugging of A1&2, who - eventually - end up leaning back against the wall, smoking & spitting expressively, and maintaining eye-contact w/each other, whilst conducting a running “dialogue” of expressive gestures/expressions etc... the “hostage” - eventually - runs out of puff, and is interrupted).

A2: This is not important.

A1: No! What is important is that we will kill you if your people do not give us money.

A2: Much money.

A1: Right!

A2: And women...many, many women...

H: [penultimate outburst of leftist gibberish]


A1: This is too much, offspring of diseased parents. We would kill you - now - if there was not the chance of much money...

A2: And women.

A1: I heard you, my brother ( v.oily tones).

H: [final leftisms...cut off v.quickly]

A1: Enough! Your people will pay - and deliver womens - or this dog will die!

I have spoken!

Camera holds for long enough to establish the fact that no-one has a clue what to do now...suddenly, it veers wildly to to left & the image is replaced by glitches as in the intro...



John Henry Calvinist